Phoenix Wright: The Defense Never Rests!
by Swyldp
Summary: A bunch of short stories based on the Ace Attorney series. Because there aren't enough of these already. Spoilers for all games. Various ratings.
1. Elevator Love

**Elevator Love**

"Help! Help me! I can't breathe!"

"Shut up! You're not making this any easier!"  
"Stop breathing my air! I… I'll stop you!"  
"What?!"  
"STOP BREATHING MY AIIIIIIIIIIIIIR!!"  
"G… Get away from me!"  
"I'll suck that air right out of your lungs!"  
"Mmmphhh! Mmmmhhhhh…!"

"Father!"

"He's being gay with father!"

"Stop! Stop it!"

-Bang-

A few minutes later… The elevator door opens…

"Aaaah!" screams Manfred von Karma, who sees the two men lying on top of each other. "G-Gregory! You cheating bastard! I'll teach you to toy with my heart!"

-Bang-

* * *

Author's Note: Yes, Yogi's line is from the Simpsons.


	2. Spicy Time

**Spicy Time**

The video is shaky, and low-quality, but everything is recognizable. It appears to be recording from inside a fast-food restaurant. The camera suddenly spins to face a young man, in a blue suit.

"Alright, I've invited Maya and Pearl here, at the usual burger joint. What they don't know, is that I've secretly added chili powder to every single one of Maya's twenty burgers. This should be interesting…"

Two girls enter the restaurant, both dressed in spirit medium outfits. One is in her late teens, with long, dark hair. The other is small, with brown hair. The camera zooms in on them, as they sit down at the table. The dark-haired girl begins to speak.

"Hi, Nick! Thanks for treating us!"

"H-huh? I don't recall saying I was tr-"

"Well, let's eat!"

The dark-haired girl opens her mouth, and the entire plate of burgers flies into her mouth with incredible force. The other girl looks on in surprise.

"Mmmm! That was delicious!"

The girl pauses, suddenly. Her face reddens.

"AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!"

Her entire head bursts into flames as she runs, screaming, towards the bathrooms.

"Wow, Mr. Nick! What do you think happened?"

The camera turns to face the pointy-haired man. He is sweating profusely and trembling a little.

"I… I didn't think she would eat them all at once…"

"Oh, yeah! She's been practicing that!"

The dark-haired girl bursts back into the room, her hair and clothes dripping wet.

"Nick! You-!"

"Aaaahh! Maya, I'm sorry!"

The camera shakes violently and the image turns to static.

* * *

Alternate ending: Maya has notices nothing after eating the burgers, because she inhales them so fast there was no time to taste them.


	3. The Green Scarf

**The Green Scarf**

"Ms. Tiala, would you remove your scarf, please?"

"What? This is ridiculous! The court can't ask me to remove my clothing-"

Ending 1

Judge: "Ms. Tiala, you will remove your scarf."

The entire courtroom gasps. Alita's neck is covered in tiny marks.

Apollo: "Are… are those hickeys?!"

Klavier: "Well, it seems the good doctor and Ms. Tiala were closer than we thought, ja?"

Apollo: "W-what… WHAT THE HECK?!"

Wocky: -Various profanities-

Ending 2

Judge: "Ms. Tiala is correct! Mr. Justice, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

Apollo: "Er… Well, I said I was going to abuse her, didn't I?"

Wocky: -Various profanities-

Ending 3

Judge: "Ms. Tiala is correct! After all, exposing her neck would make her more vulnerable to a vampire attack!"

Apollo: "Eh."

Trucy: "He's right! That's why I always wear my red scarf!"

-Wocky is hit in the head by a flying squirrel-

Wocky: -Various profanities-


	4. Ema's Bad Day

**Ema's Bad Day**

Ema woke up late in the morning, and groggily descended the stairs to the kitchen. She was still dressed in her pink pajamas, the ones with pictures of microscopes on them, and her hair uncombed. Rubbing her eyes, her vision cleared to see her parents seated at the kitchen table, talking with a large man dressed in orange. He turned to face her.

"Gant…?"

"Well, hello my dear! Good morning!" replied Damon Gant cheerfully.

"Ema…" her mother started. "This time has come in our contractual agreement with Mr. Gant to kill off eight of our ten children."

Ema's father continued. "Yes… but we are having a hard time deciding, and we all agree that it would be best if you got a say in this as well."

There was a long silence, nobody in the room saying a word, but Damon Gant's piercing stare never leaving Ema's eyes.

Ema slowly turned around, her facial expression revealing nothing, and slowly walked back up the stairs.

It was not going to be a good day.

* * *

Author's Note: This whole thing actually was a dream I had once, that's why it makes no sense at all. I know Ema's parents are dead, and she didn't have nine brothers/sisters. (But, well, _you never know_.)


	5. Magic Ruins Families

**Magic Ruins Families**

"So Max hit Ban over the head with a bottle?" Maya asked.

"It sure seems that way," replied Phoenix. "And he swung the bottle hard enough for it to break." He glanced over at Max in the detention center, who was lounging in his chair as though he hadn't a care in the world.

"I think I know why nobody in the circus seems to like him. He's kind of a jerk. Do you think all magicians are like that?" Maya said, not noticing Max, who looked like he had just been stabbed through the chest.

"Maya, don't let him hear you saying that!" Phoenix pulled Maya over to the other side of the room. "Well, I'm sure they aren't all the same. There must be some magicians who are nice people."

"I don't know," Maya said doubtfully. "I heard of this other famous troupe of magicians, and they were apparently real jerks too."

"Hmmm…" Phoenix frowned in thought. "Maybe you're right. If I ever have a child, I sure hope they don't become a magician."

Magic: Don't let it happen to YOUR children!


	6. Percieve Problems

**Perceive Problems**

Apollo zoomed in on the witness, searching his body for any signs of unease. There! He saw it!

"Gotcha!" Yelled Apollo. "Witness! You may not have known this, but your fingers twitched when you said the words 'I went to the library'! Tell the truth… You never went to the library at all, did you?!" –Dramatic music starts-

"Actually…"the witness started. "As it happens, I have a checkout receipt from the library with me. I did actually go to the library, and I checked out a few books, too!"

"Crap… I guess I got that wrong." –Dramatic music dies- (Don't give up! I'm sure there is something to this testimony!)

Apollo had the witness repeat his statement, and once again he looked.

"Gotcha!" Screamed Apollo. "Witness! Why did you shake your arm when you said 'I love apple pie!'? Could it be that your favourite pie is actually… CHERRY?! –Dramatic music starts-

"Er… well, I do like cherry pie as well, but my favorite really is apple." (What does this have to do with the case, anyway?) –Dramatic music dies-

(Darn it! Another wrong answer!) Apollo was getting frustrated now.

(Alright… must… keep… looking…)

"GOTCHA!!" Hollered Apollo, almost delirious by now. "WITNESS! YOU STARTED BLINKING RAPIDLY WHEN YOU SAID THE WORD 'PORK CHEESE'! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAAAAAAT?!" –Dramatic music utterly fails to start-

"I… I don't… know?" The poor witness stammered, now cowering at his stand.

"Enough!" Shouted the Judge. "This is going nowhere! I declare the defendant guilty! GUILTY!"

"Polly! What happened out there?!" Trucy ran up to Apollo, looking worried. Apollo just looked tired, his eyes bloodshot. The two of them stood in the Defendant's Lobby, watching the defendant being escorted away.

"Ugh…" groaned Apollo. "Who would've thought I'd be defeated by a witness with ADD?!"


	7. Dashing Young Lawyer

**Dashing Young Lawyer**

The trial was about to start, when Maximillion Galactica made an innocent offer.

"Oh sweetie!"

"What is it, Max?"

"Why don't you try flying into the courtroom?"

"…"

"I can see it now… the dashing young lawyer flying fabulously in from above!

One glimpse of that, and everyone in the room will be on your side!"

(I like the sound of that… "Dashing young lawyer flying fabulously…")

As the trial was ready to begin, the lights turned down, giving the courtroom a dramatic dimness. Phoenix flew into the courtroom from above, smiling widely. The jury gasped. Phoenix threw his arms up with a flourish, did a twirl, and then hovered above the prosecutor's bench, much to Franziska's annoyance.

"Get away from me, fool!" She yelled, looking up.

She swung her whip, hitting Phoenix several times. Phoenix spun in place, then suddenly slumped down in mid-air, unable to move. The lights came back on, revealing a single string holding him up by his left ankle. The other three had snapped. The last string finally broke, and Phoenix fell on top of an incredibly angry Franziska. She shrieked, and there was a flurry of whipping. The entire court winced with every strike, Phoenix's cries for mercy barely heard over the repeated cracking of the whip.

Then… silence.

"Mr. Wright…" the Judge started, looking shocked. "Are… are you a witch?"

* * *

Author's Note: The last line and idea were taken from the Court Records forums. I can't really give credit because I can't find the post anymore.


	8. Is a Stepladder

Whew! Sorry it's been so long, guys. I put up two chapters to make up for it. Also: This chapter contains a FILTHY CUSS WORD. COVER YOUR CHILDREN'S EYES OR THEY'LL GO BLIND.

* * *

**Is a Stepladder**

**Scene 1**

-Phoenix and Edgeworth are walking together.-

Random civilian: "Hey, there's a ladder here in the middle of the park!"

Phoenix and Edgeworth: "It's not a ladder, it's a stepladder!"

All three: "Ahahaha! Oh, quite!"

**Scene 2**

-Phoenix and Edgeworth are walking together.-

Random civilian: "Hey, there's a ladder here in the middle of the park?! LOL WHUT?!"

Phoenix and Edgeworth: "It's not a ladder, IT'S A FUCKING STEPLADDER!"

-Phoenix holds him down while Edgeworth breaks a chair over his head.-

**Scene 3**

-Phoenix and Edgeworth are walking together.-

Edgeworth: "Hey, there's a stepladder in the middle of the park."

Phoenix: "It's not a ladder, it's a step-"

-They look at each other.-

…

…

…

……

…………

…

…

…

MAKEOUTS TIME!!

Random civilian: "In the middle of a park?"


	9. Who's Behind the Mask?

For this chapter, I tried something a little different. The bold words are meant to be read as if they were highlighted in orange like in the game.

**Who's Behind the Mask?**

**Scene 1 **

The courtroom is tense, as Phoenix slowly reveals the truth. Ini Miney sits at the witness stand, making a complete mess of her hat.

"Indeed, Ini Miney was not driving the car that night! However! Mimi Miney was also not driving the car!"

"What?!" yelled Franziska. "Then who, pray tell, was driving that night!"

Phoenix shakes his head. "The real question is, who is this witness in front of us?! It is none other than the **only other person** at the scene of the crime! It was…"

-Dramatic music starts-

"Damon Gant, who was hiding in the back seat!" cried Phoenix triumphantly.

"Nooooooo!" yelled Ini Miney, who was actually Damon Gant.

Franziska screamed. "This makes NO SENSE!"

**Scene 2**

The old boat shop caretaker sat in the witness stand. Manfred von Karma was grinning, as he always was.

"I don't know the killers name, because **he never told us** what it is!" Phoenix shouted.

"So," growled Von Karma, "You believe the witness is Yanni Yogi? Where is the **proof**? Show me the **proof**! You **see** proof? I se**e n**o pr**oof**! **W**h**e**re **i**s p**ro**o**f**?!"

"It will be easy to determine the **witness's identity**!" Phoenix grinned. "Your honor, please take this man's **fingerprints**!"

"Hahaha… So sorry, Mr. Wright, but… The witness has **no fingerprints**!"

"Er… well then…" Phoenix grinned sheepishly. "Ah! I know! Your honor! Please, let us perform a **DNA test**! We can easily find the identity of the witness through **science**!

"Hahaha… So sorry, Mr. Wright, but… The witness has **no DNA**!"

"WHAT?! How is that even possible?!"

The witness opened his eyes. "Ayup… ya see… I'm **not actually** a human. I'm actually a **highly advanced death robot** built by the **evil genius**, Polly the parrot! All shall kneel before her supreme power!" The robot then shot a death ray from its eyes, incinerating the entire courtroom, except Manfred von Karma, who is invulnerable.

**Scene 3**

Apollo stared at the witness. "There is just too much that **doesn't fit** with your testimony, Ms. Orly! You aren't a waitress at the Borscht Bowl Club at all! You've been **hiding your identity** all along!"

"What?! That is ridiculous!"

"Ha!" Apollo grinned smugly. "Then how do you explain the **cards**?!" Apollo leapt over the bench, and grabbed hold of Olga's overcoat. "Admit it! You're really…" Apollo pulled off the heavy coat, revealing…

"Kristoph Gavin! YOU were Olga Orly!!"

Kritsoph stood behind the defense bench. "…Huh? But how can that be me when I'm standing right h-"

-The universe explodes-

* * *

Ha! Bet you thought I was gonna but something dirty in the last scene, didn't you? I actually didn't realize it could be read that way until afterwards.


	10. Inappropriate

Wow, it has been a long time. Sorry to anyone who actually reads this stuff. Final exams have really been kickin' me. Hopefully I can update more frequently now they're over.

* * *

**Inappropriate Times to Shout: "Hold It!"**

When helping a friend: "Help me carry this box!" "HOLD IT!"

On a game show: "You have 20 seconds to answer!" "HOLD IT!"

While baking a pie: "Take it out of the oven! For the love of god, take it out!" "HOLD IT!"

When brandishing a flaming torch: "HOLD IT!"

While performing surgery: "We have to get another pack of blood, stat!" "HOLD IT!"

While performing surgery: "Where should I put this liver?" "HOLD IT!"

When playing poker: "HOLD IT!" "…I fold."

When calling tech support: "I'll transfer your call." "HOLD IT!"

During a fire emergency: "I'll pull the fire alarm!" "HOLD IT!"

During a medical emergency: "I'll call 911!" "HOLD IT!"

When someone informs you of something embarrassing (if you are male): "Um, you got a, um…" "HOLD IT!"


	11. Inappropriate 2

**Inappropriate Times to Shout: "Take that!"**

While watching the news: "A traffic accident today killed two people and injured five others." "TAKE THAT!"

At school: "Wow, you got the best mark in the class." "TAKE THAT!"

After winning a competition: "TAKE THAT!"

At work: "There will be massive lay-offs this term." "TAKE THAT!"

If you forget you are holding money: "TAKE THAT!"

With a friend in a jewelry store: "TAKE THAT!"

When talking to a friend: "My boy/girlfriend dumped me." "TAKE THAT!"

In the back seat of a police car with another criminal: "TAKE THAT!"

After accidentally hitting someone in the face: "TAKE THAT!"

When giving someone advice on books in a library: "Which ones should I read?" "TAKE THAT!"

When walking with a friend and passing a beautiful lady (or man): "TAKE THAT!"

In court, while presenting evidence: "TAKE THAT!"

* * *

The next one of course will be the longest.


	12. Inappropriate 3

**Inappropriate Times to Shout: "Objection!"**

At school: "The test will be on Friday." "OBJECTION!"

At church: "Now let us stand for opening hymns." "OBJECTION!"

At work: "Your pay will have to be cut." "OBJECTION!" "You're fired." "OBJECTION!"

When talking to a friend: "How are you?" "OBJECTION!"

When talking to a boy/girlfriend: "Let's just be friends." "OBJECTION!" "Um, let's never talk again." "OBJECTION!"

When being complimented by a stranger: "I like your hair!" "OBJECTION!"

In New York: "Spare change?" "OBJECTION!"

While using a computer: "Syntax error." OBJECTION!"

When talking to a police officer: "Do you know how fast you were driving?" "OBJECTION!"

When talking to a police officer: "Have you been drinking tonight?" "OBJECTION!"

When working undercover: "Now give us the money." "OBJECTION!"

At a wedding: "I now pronounce you man and wife." "OBJECTION!"

At a funeral: "He was a great man." "OBJECTION!"

At a hospital: "He finally woke up! Isn't that great?" "OBJECTION!"

At a hospital: "You woke up!" "OBJECTION!"

At an AA meeting: "The first step is admitting you have a problem." "OBJECTION!"

When watching a commercial: "There's a Visine for that." "OBJECTION!"

* * *

This one might be updated later, if I think of anything else.


	13. Death Note

I thought I'd try my hand at writing something a little more serious. I don't know if it's really my style, but I could use the practice. The hyphens are used to make the spacing right. I couldn't think of anything better.

* * *

**Death Note**

Phoenix had been in this room before, some time ago. He thought it was intimidating then, but now…

-

The room was dark, and the little light coming through from the doorway cast long, eerie shadows on the objects inside. The fine furniture, the enormous bookshelf, and the suit framed on the wall.

-

The open window, which made silhouettes of small plastic figurines, and an empty vase, far at the back of the room, left a silver rectangle on the table.

-

Phoenix wanted to turn on the lights, but the art student in him decided the cold beauty of the room was too mysteriously appropriate to ruin.

-

He did, however, regret coming alone.

-

The person who normally occupied the large office had locked himself in for several days, not coming out for any reason. At least, that's what everyone thought. But the room was clearly empty; anyone could see that, even in the dim light.

-

So where was he?

-

The desk was unusually clear. On normal days, it would be covered in several layers of paperwork. Today, there was but a single sheet of paper, right in the center. The light from the window shone directly on it.

-

Normally, private memos would be written on a special sheet of custom-made parchment, light pink, with a darker magenta border. It would be written with an expensive calligraphy pen, in the neatest of handwriting. But this note was different.

-

The paper was plain white, probably copier paper, and the note was written with a regular blue pen. It was so… ordinary. Not at all appropriate for the shocking message contained within.

-

As Phoenix neared the desk, the words became clear. It was but a single sentence, yet it cut him like a knife. He stared in silent horror, not wanting, not willing to accept it, but the meaning broke through his mental barrier nevertheless.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth loves cheese puffs.


	14. Milkless Café au Lait

**Milkless Café au Lait**

Phoenix had had enough.

The burns on his face and head were bad enough, but that wasn't the extent of the damage. Coffee stains were hard to get out, and he couldn't afford dry cleaning every week. He only owned one suit, and it wasn't the best to start with. Now, with the coffee stains all over, people had started to look at him funny, as if here some hobo or something.

It was time to take a stand.

The next day in court, Godot was slurping cheerfully as always. As usual, Phoenix made an outrageous, yet completely accurate claim, and of course Godot jumped on him right away.

"What are you saying?! You must be crazy! Are you looking to get a mug in your face? 'Cause that's what's coming!"

"Not this time, Godot!

"TAKE THAT!"

The carton of milk hit Godot square in the forehead. It burst upon impact, sending a spray of white into the air. The first thing everyone heard was an electrical snap as Godot's mask shorted out.

"Aaaah! I can't see!"

Then, everyone smelled something burning.

"What is this, milk?! I'm melting! Noooooooooo…"

The Judge glared down at Phoenix. "Mr. Wright, you will be penalized for your antics!"

Then he glared at the steaming puddle. "Mr. Godot, you will be penalized for structural damage to the court desk and hardwood floor!"

* * *

I should now take this time to thank everyone for their kind reviews! Thanks guys! GumshoeLover sent a review for every chapter?! THAT'S CRAZY

* * *

Schezo: Relaxing, huh? Just like café au lait without milk.  
Arle: That's coffee.  
Schezo: I prefer café au lait.

Schezo: You're odd today, like milkless café au lait.

Arle: You're odd today, like coffeeless café au lait.


	15. Unfair

Victim's name: Smith Smithson

Suspect's name: Rob Robertson

* * *

**Unfair**

Edgeworth grinned. "Surely the defense has realized there is no evidence to back up its claims!"

Phoenix counter-attacked. "Are you blind?! I have three witness' statements, the suspect's fingerprints on a knife with the victim's blood, a note written by the victim before he died stating the full name of the suspect Rob Robertson, a security video showing the suspect stab the victim, an sound recording of the suspect monologuing before the murder, stating both his and the victim's full names multiple times in an incredibly drawn-out and well-rehearsed speech, including the following incriminating sentences:

'And now, you, Smith Smithson, will be killed (KILLED!) by me, Rob Robertson! Indeed! I, Rob Robertson, will now proceed to murder (MURDER!) you, Smith Smithson! Prepare to be stabbed (STABBED!) by this knife, which I, Rob Robertson am holding at this current time! Yes! Stabbed! STABBED! And KILLED! By me, Rob Robertson!'

"Also! Some of the suspect's hair torn out in a struggle with the victim, and a letter sent to the victim written by the killer reading:

'I'm-a gonna kill ya.

Sincerely, Rob Robertson'

"You can't say my argument holds no water! There is a mountain of evidence! Decisive evidence! All against the suspect!"

"Nuh-uh."

The Judge banged his gavel. "Court rules in favour of Mr. Edgeworth! The defense's claims are insufficient! Court is adjourned."


	16. The Rubber Ball

This story… maybe it is not that good? YOU HAVE TO PICTURE IT IN YOUR MIND

* * *

**The Rubber Ball**

"Well, this is it," said Phoenix.

"Hmmm…" Edgeworth looked carefully at the large, round object in Phoenix's hands.

"So… this is the ball that broke the urn?"

"Yup, this is the one."

"…"

Edgeworth stared at the blue ball, particularly at the colourful Steel Samurai logo on its front.

"Um, what are you staring so hard at?"

"Oh, nothing."

"…"

"…"

"Is it… bouncy?" asked Edgeworth.

"Um, I guess so. It's made of rubber."

"Hmmm. I think I'd better take it in as evidence. Don't worry; I'll have it back in a week."

A week later, Phoenix happened to see an interesting story on the news.

"For the past three days, children have reported seeing a 'weird old man in pink' at the park, playing with a rubber ball and laughing cheerfully. We have been unsuccessful in attempts to photograph the man. He has disappeared every time authorities are called in, but he is suspected to be harmless."

Phoenix stared at the screen.

"Oh my god, Edgeworth."


	17. Could You Repeat That?

This one is a little long, because I felt I had to build up to the actual story I had in my head. Also you may have noticed I had to upload it twice, because I made a mistake.

* * *

**Could You Repeat That?**

Trucy was getting fed up. "Daddy, when are going to get me a new Mommy? What happened to that nice lady you were seeing before? I haven't seen her in years."

"Er, well. We don't really… talk… at all…"

"And what about your friend who sends you the Samurai videos?"

"Um, that's… Well, I can't… She's never available to talk to."

Apollo chimed in. "You don't talk to any of your old friends, do you? You never talk to Ema, and she said something about a prosecutor…"

"No." Phoenix glared. "I don't talk to any of my old friends. It's… complicated."

And now that the build-up is done with, I can get to the point, because Apollo's bracelet was acting up.

"Hmmm…" Apollo looked at Phoenix.

"Um, why are you looking at me like that?"

"Oh! Um, sorry. I, uh… I don't suppose you could repeat that?"

"Um, why are you-"

"No, the thing you said before that."

"Oh. Er… I… don't talk to any of my old friends?"

"Hmmm… Nope. Um, one more time?"

"What? Alright."

"Hmmmmm……"

"Please stop leering at me. It's creeping me out."

"Oh! Sorry. It wasn't that one, I guess."

"…"

"Um, could you repeat the thing you said before the last thing I told you to repeat?"

"What?"

"No, that's not it. Say the thing you said before you said you don't talk to your friends."

"What? I don't remember what I said."

"Oh. Okay then."

"…"

"Um… so! About that person who sends you Samurai videos-"

"No. I'm leaving."


	18. Not My Cup of Tea

**Not My Cup of Tea**

Phoenix cringed as the Bellboy's hand shook slightly, causing a light jangling. He was standing at the witness stand, still holding a tray loaded with a teapot, teacups, and several tea "accessories."

"Isn't that heavy?" Phoenix inquired.

"Ah, well, yes. But I can't just put it down. There is no reason for a bellboy to ever be empty-handed, even while off-duty."

"Hmmm." Edgeworth appeared deep in thought. "What kind of tea is currently in that teapot?"

"Ah, Chamomile. Would you like a cup?"

"Yes. Yes I would."

The entire court watched in silence as the Bellboy set the tray on the Prosecution bench, poured a cup of tea, set it upon a coaster, and finally picked up the entire tea set and walked back to the witness stand.

"Ahhh, that's the good stuff," said Edgeworth.

* * *

I've done a few "Edgeworth is silly" stories now, and it's a little overdone, but it's fun making a serious character do silly things. Blame it on Case 3-5.


	19. Ema's Bad Day 2

Short, really short one this time. I don't hate Ema, it's just so easy to hurt her.

* * *

**Ema's Bad Day 2**

Ema: "Mr. Edgeworth, if you look at this scientifically, there is only one conclusion that can be drawn! Allow me to explain everything to you for the next 90 minutes, including both the painfully obvious and the things you already know! With science!"

Edgeworth: "Miss Skye, if I may interrupt, what would you do, hypothetically, if I told you I hate science?"

Ema: "Well, hypothetically and scientifically speaking, I suppose the only logical thing for me to do is kill myself!"

Edgeworth: "…"

Edgeworth: "I guess I'd better not say that then."


	20. In Other News

Another list-style chapter. I'm quite happy with this one, actually.

* * *

**In Other News…**

**Convict Redd White successfully bribes prison guard!  
**"Saved salt from cafeteria for weeks to make glittering jewelry."

**Luke Atmey attempts to escape from prison; is shot!  
**"Was heard screaming 'No cell can hold MaskDeMasque!' before jumping out of 5-story window."

**Electric chair explodes after attempt to execute prisoner Damon Gant!  
**"Gant transferred to another prison to be executed in another manner."

**Computer virus MC Bomber finally stopped after 2 months!  
**"Police chief's Internet pen-pal somehow has complete backups of all information."

**Daryan Crescend escapes prison by digging underground!  
**"No digging tools were found. Also, tunnel extends below sea level. Police are baffled."

**Innocent man released from prison! Is Edgeworth to blame?  
**"Everything is his fault!"

**Prisoner Furio Tigre causes blackout in prison; escapes through security door.  
**"He had no objects with which to cause a blackout. Cause is still unknown."

**Sal Manella and Dee Vasquez continue to produce children's shows from within prison.  
**"New series 'Shawshank Samurai' is a hit among children."

**Germany continues to churn out skilled prosecutors!  
**"Claims it is matter of 'national pride' for one attorney to win a trial in America."

**Diego Armando sentenced to death! Last request was coffee.  
**"Rejected several pots before asking to brew his own."

**Attorney Kristoph Gavin jailed! "Prisoner's cell is nicer than my apartment," says detective.  
**"News reporter concurs."

**Matt Engarde mysteriously continues to deny parole despite good behaviour!  
**"Shows signs of acute paranoia."

* * *

Spellcheck's suggestions for "Tigre": tiger, tire.

Spellcheck's suggestions for "Atmey": fitment, emmey, dahomey, oatmeal.

Spellcheck's suggestions for "MaskDeMasque": Monegasque.

Spellcheck's suggestions for "children's": (no suggestions).


	21. Ema's Good Day

So, this one's pretty long. I had a vague idea for a story and just ran with it.(I ran pretty far.) I'm less happy, just because I consider the last chapter a bit of a hard act to follow.(By my standards.)

* * *

**Ema's Good Day**

"I can almost see it!" Trucy exclaimed as she turned the dial. "Wheee! It says I'm a big winner!"

"Well," Apollo said, "It's Ema's ticket, so…"

"I know that!" Trucy stuck her tongue out. "But, you know… She's a little distracted over there…"

Apollo looked across the room at Ema, who was talking to a photograph of Miles Edgeworth. The picture had been crudely edited so he appeared to be holding a bubbling flask and wearing large, unflattering goggles.

"We could take this ticket and she wouldn't know! I think the Wright Anything Agency could do with some renovations! The heater is broken and it's cold. So, so very cold…"

Apollo looked at Trucy who was now sitting on the floor, shivering.

(What am I supposed to do?) He thought. (I don't want to steal from Ema, mostly because she works for the police, but how can I say no now?)

Just then Ema walked over and picked up the ticket.

"Hey! It's a winner!" Ema jumped in the air. "Whooooop! All my hard work has finally paid off!"

"Hard work? You won the lottery!" Apollo said, but Ema was already out the door cackling manically.

(Wow, she sure sounds evil.) Apollo thought. "Oh well." He looked to Trucy. "It looks like that problem solved itself."

**The very next day…**

"Hey, it's Ema!" Apollo waved. "Hey, Ema! What did you buy yesterday?"

"Well," Ema started, "I wanted to order some new lab equipment, but when I went to cash in the ticket, there was a Snackoo sale in the store, and I was hungry after working all day…"

"Oh. How 'bout that?" Apollo laughed nervously to himself. "Wait, how much money was that ticket worth?"

"Um…" Ema played with a strand of her hair. "Well, let's just say I'll have enough Snackoos to last a few years."

"What?! You spent it all on snacks?! Oh, Trucy was right… We should've stolen it…"

Meanwhile, Trucy is at home.

"Daddy! I'm cold!"

"Have some more grape juice. It'll warm you up inside."

"Ok." (Gulp, gulp.)

* * *

**Alternate Ending**

"Ok, Ok." Apollo decided not to argue. "But take it quick before she notices."

"Ha! Do you think I'm an amateur? I learned from the best! The ticket has already disappeared!"

"Ok, then. Let's get out of here." Apollo and Trucy shuffled closer to the door.

"Huh?" Ema turned around. "What are you two doing?"

"Okthanksforthescienceseeyoulaterbye!" Yelled Apollo as he ran away with Trucy at top speed.

**The very next day...**

Apollo and Trucy stood in the Wright Anything Agency.

"So, did you get the heater fixed?" Asked Apollo.

"Yup!It's much easier to sleep at night now!"

":)" said Apollo.

":)" Trucy replied.

"CRACK!" said the bathroom.

"Oh, no! The shower!" Trucy screamed, running out of the room, which was slowly filling with water.

* * *

I was considering using smileys that looked more like the characters, but I decided to keep it simple. But they are here if you'd like to see them:

Apollo: :D

Trucy: I:D


	22. The Miles of Piles of Miles

This one ended up being a bit longer that I thought it would. The title comes from the Air Canada sign that says "Miles and miles of Miles", referring to Air Miles. I like the story, but I really couldn't think of a good ending.

* * *

**The Miles of Piles of Miles  
**

Miles Edgeworth was getting frustrated. (How did I get into this mess?) He wondered to himself.

Just two hours ago, he was sitting in his office, finishing a pile of paperwork, getting ready to start another pile of paperwork, and had called the detective to file a pile of completed paperwork. Detective Gumshoe had said he was bringing up another pile of paperwork, and Edgeworth was getting excited just thinking about the prospect of another pile of paperwork.

Life was good.

When Gumshoe finally arrived, he was barely visible behind a stack (or pile, as some might call it) of paperwork, which had to be tied up to keep it together. Gumshoe placed the pile (or stack, as some might call it) of paperwork in the box marked "To Do Right Now" and stood back, panting from the exertion.

Edgeworth looked up from his pile (of paperwork) and said "Thank you, Detective. Now," he gestured to another pile (or stack, as some might call it… but most would call it a pile) of paperwork, also tied together, but in Edgeworth's special pink ribbon, "Please take this pile of paperwork down and file it appropriately."

Gumshoe looked up at that which was both pile, paper, and also work. It was only a _little_ bit bigger than twice the size of the last pile. (And by pile, I refer to a pile of paperwork.) He shuddered at the prospect of carrying it down all those stairs. (It was too tall for the elevator, you see.) Not to worry though, he could get out of it. By virtue of his own incompetence. Gumshoe said "Um, where am I supposed to put these, sir? I kinda forget where all the stuff goes."

Edgeworth answered while still writing. "Alright. I'm only going to say this once. Take the paperwork (which is arranged in a pile) and bring it down two flights of stairs. There, take section F to room 748, section H to room 762, put a blue circle sticky on section O and take it to room 789, and take section BJSNERJW to the men's room and hide it behind the second stall.

"Continue to the next floor, and throw section EEEEE in the janitor's closet.

"Then," he went on, "Descend three more fights, shred section R, put the shreds into a manila envelope, and slip it under the door of room 437. Be sure to get away fast after doing that. Next-"

"Wait," said Detective Gumshoe, "I won't be able to remember all that."

(Really? It's not that complicated.) Edgeworth thought. (He was right, though. He couldn't be trusted with such an important paperwork, pile of. The detective's short-term memory is like a cold cup of tea. It's cold, and not… any good, and no, that's a stupid analogy, but anyways…)

"Ok, maybe you shouldn't file this pile. File this pile. This pile. This pile. Maybe you shouldn't file this pile. File this pile of paperwork!" Gumshoe was utterly failing to conceal his laughter. "Er, I think I got off-topic. Ok, can you just, uh, give this revised schedule to my secretary?"

"Sure thing, pal. I mean sir." Gumshoe turned to leave.

(No, wait!) Edgeworth suddenly pictured Gumshoe handing the schedule to the wrong person, and then the whole department laughing at the six hours reserved for "The Steel Samurai Marathon." (No, I had better give this to my trusted secretary directly.)

"Wait, detective! Uh… don't worry about that. Um, here. Just take my dry-cleaning in, will you?" (No, wait! My precious suits! If he brings them in, they'll be ruined, I know it!)

"Wait! Detective Gumshoe! Um, forget the suits! I… I'll do it later! I just need some… some tea while I work on this paperwork pile. Can you go to the break room and boil some water?"

Gumshoe scratched his head. "Uh… you sure you wouldn't rather do it yourself, sir?"

"Ah… no. I , uh… I can't. I've never been in the break room before. It would just be awkward."

(Never been in the break room before?) "Well, OK then, sir! I'll be back with your hot water!"

-(End flashback)- Edgeworth sighed. (There. That was it. That's _when_ it happened. Now to figure out the _how_…) Edgeworth and Gumshoe were currently sitting together on the side of the road, shivering and wrapped in blankets, as fire crews desperately attempted to extinguish the Prosecutor's Offices, the building being completely engulfed in flame.

He looked to Gumshoe. "How did you do this?"

Gumshoe looked surprised. "Why do you think it was me?!"

Edgeworth glared.

"Sorry, sir. I... I tripped. Over a pile of your paperwork."

(I still don't understand...) thought Edgeworth.

* * *

Note: I wanted to put music notes at the end of the sentences where Edgeworth is singing, but they wouldn't display properly. Oh well.


	23. Preschool Perfection

**Preschool Perfection**

Note: the characters involved in this chapter are slightly older than preschool age. I just wanted the alliteration.

* * *

Now, kiddies! It's time for…

"**The Adventures of Lil' Manny and Lil' Greg!**"

Lil' Manny was mad! He and Lil' Greg had been playing games of Tic-Tac-Toe for hours!

"Argh!" yelled Lil' Manny, "Why can't I win this foolish game!?"

"Well," said Lil' Greg, "Tic-Tac-Toe is very hard to win. It almost always ends in a tie! But that means we both win! Isn't that great!?"

"No! It is not great!" Yelled Lil' Manny. "How can I be perfect if I can't win at such a simple game?! A tie is not good enough! I must crush you!"

"But we've been playing for hours! You've tried going first, _and_ going second! That is all the variation there is! The outcome will be the same!"

"I MUST BE PERFECT," growled Lil' Manny. "I MUST BE PERFECT IN EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE."

Lil' Greg was getting frustrated! He thought, "Maybe I should lose this game on purpose! Then he will stop bothering me! Or maybe I should tough it out, and Lil' Manny might learn a lesson! Yeah, I'm going to teach him that perfection isn't that important!"

"Lil' Manny! You will not defeat me!"

They continued to play for several more hours, but Lil' Manny got hungry (Perfect eating habits lead to perfect health!) and had to go home. He said "We will finish this tomorrow!"

The next day, Lil' Manny called Lil' Greg and said "I give up. I understand. I don't have to be perfect at Tic-Tac-Toe!"

Lil' Greg was so happy! He arranged to meet Lil' Manny right away! When he found him, Lil' Greg said "So, you've finally realized how pointless it is to be perfect at Tic-Tac-Toe!"

"Yup!" Lil' Manny grinned. "I've found something better to be perfect at! Connect Four! Let's Play!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO"

**Alternate Ending**

Lil' Greg was getting frustrated! He thought, "Maybe I should lose this game on purpose! Then he will stop bothering me!"

Lil' Greg threw the next game.

"Haha!" Laughed Lil' Manny. "I finally beat you! Now, let's play again!"

"What?! But you won! We don't need to play anymore!"

"Yes, we do! I have to win more times than you to be perfect! My win record must be higher than yours! Now, let's play!"

Lil' Greg regretted not trying to teach Lil' Manny a lesson for the rest of his life.

Moral: Remember, kiddies! If someone is being stupid, teach them a lesson or else they will kill you in an elevator! Bye-bye!

* * *

I like this pairing just because it's so absurd.


	24. The ObjectLesson

It has been a long time. If I write another chapter, it will probably be in a long time. Sorry, but I'm out of ideas. Even this one is sort of a cop-out. Thanks goes to Wikipedia.

* * *

**The Object-Lesson**

Manfred von Karma stood in the evidence room, grinning wickedly, holding an object in his hand. WHAT COULD IT BE?????

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a stun gun. For self-defense. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a hand gun. For self-defense. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a bazooka. Used mostly by the army. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a crossbow. Used today in target shooting and hunting. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a cross. A religious symbol used in prayer and to fend off vampires. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a potato. A starchy root vegetable that is a staple in most countries. They can be cooked in a variety of ways, and are used in many different dishes. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a women's bra. You wouldn't know this, but it is an article of clothing worn as an undergarment for the primary purpose of supporting and enhancing a women's chest. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a spoon. A utensil consisting of a small, shallow bowl at the end of a handle, used primarily for serving and eating liquids, or solid foods which cannot easily be lifted with a fork. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a recording victrola. A device for recording and replaying sound through the use of a needle, vinyl record, and turntable. They are considered to be outdated in our modern era. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's an ice-cream cone. A dessert made up of a scoop of frozen dairy product combined with flavorings and sweeteners, atop a cone-shaped wafer pastry. Very popular among adults and children alike. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a cow. They are domesticated ungulates, raised as livestock for meat, dairy products, leather and as draft animals. In some countries, they are honored in religious ceremonies. Your diet is composed mostly of them. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a fairy in a bottle. Used to restore eight hearts automatically, they can be used at any time. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a Miles Edgeworth plushie. Depicting the likeness of the fluffy prosecutor himself, this toy is popular among young girls, which are the toy's target demographic. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a comb. A device made of solid material, with many fine teeth. They are used in hair care for straightening and cleaning hair or other fibers. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a femur. The thigh bone. In humans, it is the longest, most voluminous, and strongest bone. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a candy cane. A hard cane-shaped candy stick. It is traditionally white with red stripes and flavored with peppermint. Given out mostly around Christmas time. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a Joseph Stalin. General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union's Central Committee from 1922 until his death in 1953. He gradually consolidated power and became party leader and dictator of the Soviet Union, established the regime now known as Stalinism. He tends to be much larger than 8 inches high. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's the Yaquina Bay Bridge. An arch bridge that spans Yaquina Bay south of Newport, Oregon. It is one of the most recognizable of the U.S. Route 101 bridges designed by Conde McCullough. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's Monopoly Money. Colourful pieces of paper used as currency in a popular board game. Worthless in real life, except for in Canada. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a triangle. One of the basic shapes of geometry, a triangle is a polygon with three vertices and three straight edges. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a ham and cheese omelette. A preparation of beaten egg cooked with butter or oil in a frying pan, folded around a filling of pig flesh and curdled cow lactation. Whole eggs or egg whites are beaten with a small amount of milk or cream to obtain a fluffy texture. …Usually."

"Nick…" said Maya, "What is that?"

"It's a calculator. A device for performing mathematical calculations. Modern electronic calculators are small, digital, and inexpensive. …Usually. Oh, and look, he's typed "HELLO" on it."


	25. Whip it Good

Oh man you guys it's been so long. Sorry, I really didn't intend for it to be this long! Hopefully I'll be able to start updating more frequently from now on.

* * *

**Whip it Good**

The following takes place on the first trial day of Case 3-5.

Judge: Well, if there's no prosecutor, we can't proceed with the trial, eh. Looks like the defense wins. I declare the defendant-

*whip*

Franziska: Objection! There is a prosecutor! Her name is… ME!

Judge: …Very well then, Ms. Me. Please try to show up on time in the future.

*whip*

Franziska: My name is Von Karma! And don't tell me what to do! Fool!

Judge: Now, now! A whip in the courtroom? This is not they way a court should run! Bailiff, confiscate that whip immediately!

Edgeworth: Excuse me, your honor! The defense… has no objection to the whip.

Judge: Uh, very well then. Carry on.

Franziska: Thank you, your honor.

*whip*

Edgeworth: Ow! Hey! What was that for?!

Franziska: No reason, I just felt like it.

Edgeworth: I didn't let you keep your whip just so you could use it on me! I don't enjoy it or anything! Judge! I retract my former statement!

Judge: THANK YOU. Bailiff!

Franziska: Hey, watch it! Fool! Don't touch me there! Hey! Give that back!

Judge: Now then, may we proceed?

Franziska: *sob*

Judge: Oh, what now?

Franziska: *sob*

Judge: Ms. Von Karma, please get off of the floor.

Franziska: *sob*

Edgeworth: And stop sucking your thumb. It's unprofessional.

Judge: Well, it looks like the prosecution is unable to proceed. The defense wins.

Edgeworth: … (Why did I call her, again?)

**Alternate Ending**

Edgeworth: I didn't let you keep your whip just so you could use it on me! I don't enjoy it or anything! Judge! I retr-

*slam*

Edgeworth: O_O

Franziska: WHAT? OH! OHOHOHOHO! HOW QUICKLY YOU CHANGE YOUR TUNE, MILES! YOU SURE SEEMED TO LIKE IT LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU WERE BEGGING FOR MORE! OR WHAT, AM I JUST ANOTHER PROSECUTOR TO YOU WHEN WE'RE NOT IN BED?

Edgeworth: O_O

Franziska: DAMN YOU, MILES! WHEN I LET YOU DO THOSE THINGS TO ME I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! NOW I SEE I DON'T MEAN A DAMN TO YOU! I HATE YOU! FOOL!

Edgeworth: O_O

Judge: (This is so awesome.)

**Alternate Everything**

Judge: Well, if there's no prosecutor, we can't proceed with the trial, eh. Looks like the defense wins.

Edgeworth: (That was easy.)

Judge: I declare the defendant… NOT GUILTY.

Edgeworth: (I am the sexiest man in the world.)


	26. Sexycake

This series goes sooo long between releases. I think I should start replaying these games to get more story ideas...

I'm not too sure what to think about this one.

* * *

**Sexycake**

It was Phoenix's birthday.

"Happy birthday!" cheered everyone. Phoenix, Gumshoe, Edgeworth, Larry, and Pearl were all gathered in Phoenix's cramped office.

"Here comes the cake!" said Gumshoe as he wheeled in a massive four-tiered cake on a cart.

"W-woah…" Phoenix stared in awe at the enormous cake. "It's really… big. I mean, really, REALLY big."

Pearl gleamed. "Well, of course it's big! There's no way it would work with a regular sized cake!"

"What wouldn't work?" asked Phoenix. "By the way, where's Maya? I haven't seen her all day."

Suddenly there was a loud, wet slurping sound. The top of the cake exploded as Maya jumped out, wearing a bikini.

"Here I am, Nick! Happy birthday!"

"Wooooooo!" Larry cheered.

Phoenix stared at her in shock. "You… you guys… actually… buh?"

Edgeworth cleared his throat. "You know, when a woman leaps out of a cake, generally she doesn't leap out of a REAL CAKE."

Maya puffed out her cheeks. "I know that. But that's such a tease, isn't it? I mean, this HUUUGE cake comes wheelin' in, and you're all like, "Woah! That's a big cake! Super awesome!" But then this girl comes out, and you're all, "Awww, what? That's not a real cake at all! I really felt like eatin' some giant cake!" And then it's like the whole thing was totally pointless!"

Franziska raised an eyebrow.

"And when me and Pearly tried to buy one of those giant cake things, the guy looked at us funny and said we were too young! Nobody's too young for cake! That would be just sad!"

Franziska couldn't hold it in any longer. "The POINT of the CAKE is the GIRL inside, FOOL."

Maya looked at her. "Huh? The girl? Then…" Maya turned bright red.

Edgeworth looked at Franziska, who was tapping her foot and twitching her eyebrow at a fantastic speed. "I guess you know all about this sort of thing, don't you?" he grinned.

"S…shut up, fool!"

Phoenix sighed. "Now how are we going to clean up this mess…?"

**Alternate Ending**

Phoenix stared at Maya, who was covered head to toe in cake and frosting.

"Maya… you…"

Maya tilted her head. "Hm? What is it, Nick?"

"You look… delicious."

Phoenix walked over to Maya and began licking her.

"Ahaha! Nick! Hee hee! What're you doing! Stoppit! Ahhh! Haha! N-Nick…"

Phoenix lifted his head and stared into Maya's eyes. "Oh, sorry. Was I too forward?"

Maya blushed. "Oh, no… It's OK. I mean, I'm covered in cake…" She looked away. "I wouldn't be able to resist myself either…"

So Phoenix and Maya went to the bedroom to do adult things.

"Yay!" exclaimed Pearl. "I finally got them to admit their true feelings! Isn't it great? I bet they're kissing… and, and even holding hands in there right now!"

Edgeworth, Gumshoe, Larry and Franziska all felt extremely uncomfortable.


End file.
